Conflicts and Not Saying NO

Conflicts and not saying NO can mess you up
As I was finishing up my day today, my colleague Robert Lim gave me some important lessons in Conflict management, even though it was pretty late. He was referring to intra personal conflict, conflict within oneself. To be specific, he was saying to me that there was a need to say NO! Not too many bosses would listen to a short lecture but I did. This is something that has intrigued me all my life. My father told me to learn to say NO!. My teachers told me to say NO! Well, I will admit it. My wife and sons have told me from time to time to say NO! Not that they are pretty good at it themselves. I have lost so much money simply because I was not able to say NO.
In the Myers Briggs Type Indicator there are two dimensions the T and F – Thinking and Feeling. I agonise saying NO for fear of hurting people and in the process I have hurt myself. My psychological training places so much premium on treating people well that I just cannot bring upon myself to pain people. This sometimes gives an impression that I am indecisive or to be very critical not very open.
“Say NO when you need to, just do it politely” my Professor used to say. He does it beautifully “I love to help but I just can’t, I know you may not like it but I am real sorry.’ People who can do it do it so well. Robert’s concern was I was agonizing over something so simple, I was concerned about how people would feel when I say NO as opposed to what was the right thing to do from a business perspective.
I just learned again something very invaluable from Robert. I will only be a better person when I use the skill. Well, I hope to try and say NO when it is needed and politely. We will explore more the internal conflicts that go within a person:
1. Should I have a drink?
2. Should I smoke?
3. Should I exercise?
4. Should I buy on credit card when I have no money?
5. Should I fight when I know it is not right?
6. Should I blame someone when it is my problem?
7. Should I displace my anger on another?
Organizational conflict can occur at several levels: within individuals, between individuals, between groups and between organizations. While we will focus on intra and inter personal conflict, the principles and ideas discussed here will be valid for individual and inter-group and inter-organizational conflicts. Conflict typically proceeds through four stages even if each step is not recognized as such. The phases identified by theorist Louis Pondy are as follows:

Phase 1: Latent
Phase 2: Perceived
Phase 3: Felt
Phase 4: Manifest

We will discuss these and conflict resolution strategies in the next blog. Remember we started with collaborative learning and right now, I think it is appropriate for us to look at it considering current workplace issues.

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