Difficult Conversations
Over the Chinese New Year holidays, I was clearing my University papers and notes and I found some pieces of information very useful and relevant to this blog. The blog post start off with Trainer roles and deals with difficult conversations that everyone of us have to have with our colleagues and family. I have had to have them with my colleagues at work, my nephew and friends. It was and is never easy. We have great difficulty taking to bosses, colleagues and family something that we do not wish to discuss. We adopt the flight or fight mechanism.
Trainer Roles
Instructor, Trainer, Facilitator, Coach, Co-Learner are all trainer roles. They need to be viewed on a continuum, depending on the discipline, workshop objectives, personal training style and participant profiles. . Even though there is a great amount of debate among academics on the interpretation of a training role, one thing almost everyone agrees is that the role is much more than a dispenser of information. Collaborative Learning shifts the role of expert from the trainer to the learners, the one with a repository of information. The goal is to get the adult participant actively engaged in building their own minds.
Facilitating refers to arranging the learning environment to encourage self-directed learning. Some prefer a managerial definition which refers to a sequential process of setting the conditions and managing the process to produce the desired out comes. Other recent terms emphasise the social role in constructing knowledge.
Collaborative Learning requires that we be somewhere there on the continuum depending on the situation but not forgetting the need for small groups to engage in meaningful learning. This only happens when we can manage difficult conversations.
Managing Difficult Conversations
In the last two weeks, I have been disturbed by some conversations. Despite my background, I have had to take time to reflect and act on this area of having a difficult conversation. My friend Uday calls this straight talk. Nevertheless I like to share some of the thinking on this subject in this blog post.
Many of us go out of our way and take the trouble to avoid unpleasant conversations. Some years ago respected Industrial Relations practitioner Peter Rayappan and Values Consultant Yazdi emphasised the need over a cup of Malaysian Teh Tarik, the need to be straight. They said the person deserves the feedback however unpleasant it may be for the person to grow and for your organisation not to be CRIPPLED.
Managing difficult conversations is a key to effectiveness in the training room as well as at the work place. Collaboration requires we manage the difficult conversations (spoken and written) to prevent serious differences and bridge the gulf of differences in what people believe and feel. When you are able to do that, you can stand up to adversity, maintain leadership and remain in control. The words are clear and the voice is managed; there is no display of anger but the feedback is appropriately given.
When stakes are high, the outcome uncertain; people feel deeply about the issue on hand and when self esteem is affected; the issue is forgotten and the person is attacked, the conversations become difficult and awkward. Usually, people either quit or fight – the typical fight – flight syndrome that psychology classes teach us.
How do we deal with:
• A disrespectful or disruptive behaviour
• The inability to say NO
• A person who agrees to everything or disagrees with everything
• One who KNOWS all
• A person who refuses to respect the absent and insists on talking about others behind their back
• One who refuses to accept that it is my mistake
• A person who smiles face to face but is busy sabotaging you behind your back.
• One who is logical nut needlessly aggressive
• One who says YES all the time and is unassertive
While the situation maybe different, the problem is the same – how do we have a difficult conversation? A friend Zainal Abidin Alang Kassim used to say to me “it is not the subject matter that makes you nervous, it is the way you think about the issue that is a worry.”
In the Myers Briggs situation, they talk about the Thinking – Feeling part.
There is an urgent need for a new framework according to researchers in Harvard for managing difficult conversations. The typical answer to be diplomatic or stay positive may not be necessarily appropriate. There is a need to identify the common structure underlying difficult conversations and manage all the separate conversations taking place in any difficult conversation.
1. What happened conversations based on perceptions – which are right?
2. The Feelings conversation – Do I deal with them or quit?
3. The Identity conversation – Is this destroying my self esteem?
Great Managers and Trainers in a collaborative mode operate more effectively on these three realms. They avoid the blame game; they are constructive, turn sources of anxiety into sources of strength.
Getting straight to the purposes by discriminating your INTERESTS and PURPOSE is often the route to success. Framing the objective of the conversation to maximise the outcome is a key skill of a collaborator. Collaborative Trainers and Managers turn a difficult conversation into a learning situation. They reduce defensiveness and promote learning. They manage the interaction by using the power of listening and getting to the heart of the matter. Focus on the issue not on the anger or the person.
Of course collaboration requires all participate. There may be occasions when the person attacks you, does not want to talk to you, just refuses to listen to you and is uncooperative. Collaborative Trainers, managers and Leaders reframe the discussion, structure effective problem solving to find solutions. Again, collaboration requires that we work together.
While at University, I was very fond and still am of the book Games People Play. The fundamental book for Transactional Analysis outlines the games people play. I am always amazed by four statements that impacted me and is of great significance to all of us in our life:
1. I am not Okay – You are Okay
2. I am not Okay - You are not Okay
3. I am Okay – You are not Okay
4. I am Okay – You are Okay
It amazes me when we realise that many of us get stuck at level 2 or at level 3. Healthy relationships must migrate to level 4. As Managers, Leaders and being in a training role, we have a responsibility to get people to the okay stage even after a difficult conversation.
That is the purpose of collaboration.
Sorry for the long blog post.
Trainer Roles
Instructor, Trainer, Facilitator, Coach, Co-Learner are all trainer roles. They need to be viewed on a continuum, depending on the discipline, workshop objectives, personal training style and participant profiles. . Even though there is a great amount of debate among academics on the interpretation of a training role, one thing almost everyone agrees is that the role is much more than a dispenser of information. Collaborative Learning shifts the role of expert from the trainer to the learners, the one with a repository of information. The goal is to get the adult participant actively engaged in building their own minds.
Facilitating refers to arranging the learning environment to encourage self-directed learning. Some prefer a managerial definition which refers to a sequential process of setting the conditions and managing the process to produce the desired out comes. Other recent terms emphasise the social role in constructing knowledge.
Collaborative Learning requires that we be somewhere there on the continuum depending on the situation but not forgetting the need for small groups to engage in meaningful learning. This only happens when we can manage difficult conversations.
Managing Difficult Conversations
In the last two weeks, I have been disturbed by some conversations. Despite my background, I have had to take time to reflect and act on this area of having a difficult conversation. My friend Uday calls this straight talk. Nevertheless I like to share some of the thinking on this subject in this blog post.
Many of us go out of our way and take the trouble to avoid unpleasant conversations. Some years ago respected Industrial Relations practitioner Peter Rayappan and Values Consultant Yazdi emphasised the need over a cup of Malaysian Teh Tarik, the need to be straight. They said the person deserves the feedback however unpleasant it may be for the person to grow and for your organisation not to be CRIPPLED.
Managing difficult conversations is a key to effectiveness in the training room as well as at the work place. Collaboration requires we manage the difficult conversations (spoken and written) to prevent serious differences and bridge the gulf of differences in what people believe and feel. When you are able to do that, you can stand up to adversity, maintain leadership and remain in control. The words are clear and the voice is managed; there is no display of anger but the feedback is appropriately given.
When stakes are high, the outcome uncertain; people feel deeply about the issue on hand and when self esteem is affected; the issue is forgotten and the person is attacked, the conversations become difficult and awkward. Usually, people either quit or fight – the typical fight – flight syndrome that psychology classes teach us.
How do we deal with:
• A disrespectful or disruptive behaviour
• The inability to say NO
• A person who agrees to everything or disagrees with everything
• One who KNOWS all
• A person who refuses to respect the absent and insists on talking about others behind their back
• One who refuses to accept that it is my mistake
• A person who smiles face to face but is busy sabotaging you behind your back.
• One who is logical nut needlessly aggressive
• One who says YES all the time and is unassertive
While the situation maybe different, the problem is the same – how do we have a difficult conversation? A friend Zainal Abidin Alang Kassim used to say to me “it is not the subject matter that makes you nervous, it is the way you think about the issue that is a worry.”
In the Myers Briggs situation, they talk about the Thinking – Feeling part.
There is an urgent need for a new framework according to researchers in Harvard for managing difficult conversations. The typical answer to be diplomatic or stay positive may not be necessarily appropriate. There is a need to identify the common structure underlying difficult conversations and manage all the separate conversations taking place in any difficult conversation.
1. What happened conversations based on perceptions – which are right?
2. The Feelings conversation – Do I deal with them or quit?
3. The Identity conversation – Is this destroying my self esteem?
Great Managers and Trainers in a collaborative mode operate more effectively on these three realms. They avoid the blame game; they are constructive, turn sources of anxiety into sources of strength.
Getting straight to the purposes by discriminating your INTERESTS and PURPOSE is often the route to success. Framing the objective of the conversation to maximise the outcome is a key skill of a collaborator. Collaborative Trainers and Managers turn a difficult conversation into a learning situation. They reduce defensiveness and promote learning. They manage the interaction by using the power of listening and getting to the heart of the matter. Focus on the issue not on the anger or the person.
Of course collaboration requires all participate. There may be occasions when the person attacks you, does not want to talk to you, just refuses to listen to you and is uncooperative. Collaborative Trainers, managers and Leaders reframe the discussion, structure effective problem solving to find solutions. Again, collaboration requires that we work together.
While at University, I was very fond and still am of the book Games People Play. The fundamental book for Transactional Analysis outlines the games people play. I am always amazed by four statements that impacted me and is of great significance to all of us in our life:
1. I am not Okay – You are Okay
2. I am not Okay - You are not Okay
3. I am Okay – You are not Okay
4. I am Okay – You are Okay
It amazes me when we realise that many of us get stuck at level 2 or at level 3. Healthy relationships must migrate to level 4. As Managers, Leaders and being in a training role, we have a responsibility to get people to the okay stage even after a difficult conversation.
That is the purpose of collaboration.
Sorry for the long blog post.
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